axisorleans: (Graffiti)
[personal profile] axisorleans
So, Change of Plans: seems I'm destined for another winter in the frozen tundra of the middle America. Which sucks, since it's already getting colder. I'm wearing jackets and tights to work. Then again, that could be the lingering effects of the A/C which has been set at frigid all summer. Still. Not happy.

Except I'm sleeping better and feeling more relaxed. Or at least, less anxious which is just as good as more relaxed. It also explains the sleeping. I don't think I'm depressed though that could be an option I suppose. But really, it doesn't feel like depression or even a funk though apparently I was in one before the plans changed.
Sisco Eye Roll

Maybe I was forcing things. I do that. Just forge ahead with things once I've made a decision and (sometimes) contrary to the evidence. It's one of the biggest problems with overthinking. I can twist myself up over just about anything without intending to or even realizing it (ok I usually realize it at some point but can never quite figure our how to stop it). It's also a flaw in my approach to life which has me move towards things that scare me. I can't always tell the difference between scared/excited, overthinking angst and "bad idea/not right now" vibes. And that really sucks, unless you're lucky enough to have someone around to deliver the proverbial smack upside the head and say "um, yeah, no" or "why don't you wait/pause and think this through again?" or whatever it is they do that derails my plans. Fortunately, I have a few of those people in my life.

One of them stepped up this weekend. 

Sure, I could, maybe even should, be upset at the wrench in the works. And this may be nothing more than me making excuses to myself as much as anyone else for the situation. It stings, knowing I care more than I am cared for. If that's true, which I'm not convinced of. Because frankly, if it was totally true, plans wouldn't have changed. I'd be going along my merry moving way and eventually things would blow up in my face as usual. This way I at least avoided the explosion. And it's not that anything has changed. My address is the same. My situation, which is very good (low overhead, decent paying job, limited personal and professional responsibilities, plenty of time and funds for travel and side projects) remains the same. And relationship-wise things are status quo, which is probably best. 

And no, I'm not be facetious or kind. I thrive in long distance relationships. They balance my need for intensity and for solitude. Both of which I need in greater quantities than most people. So sticking with a long distance relationship is...ok. It may even be best though admittedly I do get lonely. More in the summer than in the winter although that may be nothing more than the fact that I really hate getting out of bed in the winter unless I absolutely have to. Give me a pile of books, some interesting projects to work on, some great yarn and lots of coffee and I am a happy camper from November until April/May. Usually. We'll see if that holds true this year. 

So my plans have changed and while I'm disappointed, I can't really be too upset. At least, not until the first snowstorm. Then all bets are off.

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axisorleans

May 2015

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